Zachary FenellMidnight Meat Train
March 2nd 2009 17:11
Midnight Meat Train, 2008
Yeah, I know... what was I thinking?
Let's see if we remember, boys and girls, what the first mortal sin of horror is. (half-second pause) Yes, that's right! It's to be slow and boring.
The second mortal sin is to be gratuitously gory for no good reason. “Horror” and “torture porn” are not the same thing, although sometimes they can have the same effect.
The third mortal sin is to expect us to care about characters who are obviously so incredibly stupid and all-et-up with the self-destruction that there is literally no reasonable chance of redemption or even survival.
Midnight Meat Train “shares” the story of how a vegetarian photographer reveals his painfully obsessive side for no real good reason. It's also the story of how his “incredibly hot” girlfriend wants to see him successful, and probably get herself killed. It's also also the story of Vinnie Jones in one of his creepiest roles yet getting the chance to be filmed in excessive gore without getting any on his shoes. Seriously, that's all the plot you need to know.
(You'll remember Vinnie Jones from such awesome flicks as Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Jason Statham wasn't the only one to come out of those ahead, and I tend to think Jones did better because he couldn't be suckered in to working with Uwe Boll.)
Rumor has it that Lionsgate tried to bury this under a big ol' pile of “we know nuthin'” when it was done because, let's face it, it's pretty bad. They must've spent some phenomenal amounts of money on the special effects – including the eerily inaccurately morphing and highly reflective blood – although I will give them this, that there are some very unique points of view for the actual killing. All the CGI in the world cannot change the fact that this was, before anything else, a Clive Barker short story, and dragging it out to over an hour and a half was probably about an hour and a quarter too long.
2 Stars, just to be nice to Vinnie
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Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Natalie 2
My Life My Muse
Beta Girl Blog
First, I will admit that the two heroes of the film, the photographer and his gf, are pretty stupid, and fall into some horror movie cliches that made me mad. I was literally saying outloud, "Why are you entering his apartment? He's gonna come back!" and the photog's decent into madness was too abrupt.
However, stylistically, I really enjoyed this flick. I thought that the gory death scenes were rather interesting in their presentation, and the overly glossy red blood gave it a cool, otherworldly effect.
I also enjoyed the plot. I didn't find it boring. In fact, I thought they could have slowed it down in a few places to give certain characters more time to build.
Vinnie Jones is awesome, and I loved him as the villain. I thought he did an outstanding job by portraying Mahogany as sinister and interesting without saying a word.
I don't think MMT should win any awards, and I don't think it ranks as a favorite, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I did enjoy it.
For what its worth, I considered it a slasher film with an intriguing twist.
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
I enjoyed it. I've seen shitloads of worse movies. Plus you have to have a hot girlfriend in a movie. Who goes out with fat ugly women in cinema land?
Someone should make a horror movie about how beauty and weight-challenged people take revenge on hot babes. I'd watch it. It could be made on a low budget and shot in Centrelink as they collect their pensions, and at Coles/Woolies as they buy shit food, then use their shopping petrol vouchers to drive to the rich suburbs and take these prissies out.
I've got a better idea. Just do a doco on these outer suburban woman. That would qualify as a horror movie. Just watching them shop and blog would be enough.
I used to be cynical. I'm way over and beyond cynicism now.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
I'd be happy to chew the fat and suck the marrow with you anyday ...
Comment by David O'Connell
Screen Fanatic
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
We should catch up one day. That would mean a trip to Sydney. But that's okay. I could do with a holiday (or long service leave - I've been working for 3 weeks). When does long service leave kick in? If you're self employed? Forget I asked that. I'll just take some sick leave. Ring myself up and tell myself I won't be at work.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
One of my
friendsacquaintances runs the Sydney film school. He was of the opinion that Patrick Suskind's Perfume could never be translated to film.I understand how book lovers get disappointed with film translations but I'm of the belief that there isn't a book on the planet that can't be translated successfully to cinema.
And that might be my main problem. I believe everything is possible. Whereas most people are so pusillanimous they live their lives with their glass half empty. I'm not a half full glass man by the way. Mine is overflowing. Full the brim and running down the sides. What is wrong with modern people? Life is out there to be grabbed by the scrotum hairs, yet most people will say things like, I have a hair allergy. Yet never get the hair allergy fixed. They just want to whinge and bitch and complain about how life is. Well life is how it is. As Holy Job said, "The life of man on earth is warfare [or a battlefield]" or something like that. I like Holy Job. He told his missus she was a silly woman, and to bless God and die.
One day I'll make a film. The book of Job. And go to the premiere to meet all the protesting, neo-feminist women from Orble who don't have lives but have time to fly to the opening to protest.
As Teddy Whitten (of fond memory) said, "Stick it up 'em."
Comment by Dawn Ellis-Lopez
I have to agree that Vinnie Jones as Mahogany was the best villain - one that we truly almost sympathize with - and he pulled it off without hardly uttering a word. That was brilliant.
It was only for the style that it eked out two stars from me. I've seen worse, too, but I've also seen much, much better, and from smaller budgets. I just can't bring myself to like it more than I did.
Comment by Natalie 2
My Life My Muse
Beta Girl Blog