Zachary FenellJesus Christ, Vampire Hunter
February 20th 2009 16:10
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, 2001
You just know that it's not going to take itself seriously, just from there.
In this 2001 cult hit (that is woefully under-printed, though that is getting fixed I hear), the city of Ottawa is having a critical lesbian shortage. Critical! Lesbians are being fed on by vampires so that their skins can be grafted onto said vampires, making the vampires more resistant to those pesky UV rays. When the Church loses some of its best, they call on The Big Guy, J.C. Himself. After getting his ass handed to him, J.C. takes a turn for the weird and has his hair cut, his beard shaved, plus he gets a couple of serious 10-gauge or maybe 8-gauge earrings put in.
I really cannot think of a single time I have laughed as hard as this, and what made it best was that the makers of the film absolutely did not take themselves seriously even a little bit. I mean, can you keep a straight face when Jesus' main sidekick is the Saint of Mexican Wrestling himself, El Santos? Or how about the Atheist Clown Car with (we counted) 36 people coming out of it? Or how about the intestinal nun-chucks? And who could forget that classic line, "I'll be grateful, Jesus, for the peace you've brought to my soul, but Maxine... she just makes me feel so warm and wonderful inside like no one else ever has!"
That's right. Jesus gets jilted for a little girl-on-girl action (although nothing gratuitous).
Oh, and how could I have neglected to mention the musical number, right at the beginning when Jesus is trying to get some help? I almost peed myself.
You'd think that there would be some hard-core Christian message to this, what with all the distance the script went to including Biblical references, and, in the end, I'm proud to say it did: "Don't follow Me, follow my Message. Sure, these are great rules, but think for yourselves, people."
And... the calls that J.C. gets from Mom and Dad are just... oh god... I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything. In truth, this movie defies rating, but I had to put something here anyway. Despite the incredibly low budget (I mean, NO budget), they pulled off a hilarious, irreverent flick with tons of soul. That is amazing.
4.5 Stars of AWESOME
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