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Film Reviewer - Classic, Modern, Obscure, Genre... It All Gets Watched

Film Reviewer - January 2009

Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions
Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions, 1995

Imagine, if you will, a universe where Scott Bakula is still cool and Kevin J. O'Connor plays a main serious character. Now imagine that Clive Barker has written the screenplay for this particular universe, and I think you can see where this train wreck starts.


In Lord of Illusions, Barker has demonstrated yet again that he cannot separate his sexuality from his work. Even if you didn't know that he's gay, you really start to get the message from this film, and more so from his books such as the Great and Secret Show. His ability to represent relationships between men and women has always been a bit dodgy, but his illustration of relationships between men alone really smacks of seriously needing a couples therapist.

Lord of Illusions sticks with his formula of starting a story in a seemingly unrelated event and then bringing more current events back to being affected by it. A series of weird murders ends up involving private investigator Harry D'Amour (Scott Bakula). These deaths culminate with the bizarre on-stage murder of magician Philip Swann (Kevin J. O'Connor), who is clearly very worried about some strange event from his past catching up with him.

Short of revealing too many plot points, I'll just cover what makes this movie bad. First, the BBC surely wishes it could manage production values this craptastic. Second, even if Clive Barker weren't outed already, watching the emotional play between the two main "antagonists" would make any homophobe reeeeeeeally uncomfortable. Third (as if you needed another point), the way the story unfolds is choppy, implausible, and kinda like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion and constant looping. If you read the Mission: Impossible review, you'll recall that part of pulling off a good twist at any point in a movie relies on giving the viewer something to work with, some kind of hint about the true nature of things. Lord of Illusions doesn't even attempt to do this, so you're just left with a series of scenes where you're pretty sure Barker was thinking, "Okay, I've messed 'em up pretty bad, now what can I do that'll be really screwed up...?"


I don't really see that it has any cult-classic potential, but I understand that a few hard-core fans of the Hellraiser series still appreciate this movie. I guess someone has to like it...

2 Stars
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Mission: Impossible

January 30th 2009 22:55
Mission: Impossible
Mission: Impossible, 1996

Just like I have this weird thing about watching reinterpretations of the icons of my youth, I am similarly cautious about revisions of old television series. There are very good reasons for this, and Mission: Impossible is one of them.

In many ways, Mission: Impossible is right up there with Constantine: if you know nothing of the original story, it's not that big a deal, and you might even enjoy the movie. If you are familiar with the source material, however, movies like this kinda make you want to shoot yourself in the eye with a clown gun. The primary plot point that makes just about every real "Mission: Impossible" fan cringe is that there is absolutely no way in the history of ever that the bad guy in this film would ever BE a bad guy (and I'm leaving out the names just in case you want to see it).

If you ignore that little detail, it's not that bad a movie. Brian De Palma brought his beautifully subtle touch to the story and made a dodgy plot really work well. One of the earmarks of a skillful crafter of stories is to never truly blind-side your viewer: if you pay attention, you'll see all the clues ahead of time, but you won't be bludgeoned over the head with them, either. When it all comes together at the end, you almost [have to watch it again, just to see if it was really presented in such a brilliant format in the first place.

And it's not often that I really talk about cinematography, but this is a major part of how De Palma pulled off this coup. The frame of the scenes, the palette choices and the placement of the characters on the screen all relay nonverbal information that draws the viewer's emotions more deeply into the experience than they would otherwise venture.

All told, I enjoyed this little romp, but even with its "stunning visual effects" (such as, how the heck do they manage to make Tom Cruise look so tall?) and slightly twisty end, it was just another popcorn movie to me. It gets 3.5 stars, and would have gotten more if they'd managed to sow doubt in the ending that never should have been.

3.5 Stars
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Thursday Bummer

January 29th 2009 19:12
There will, alas, be no review today. I just got a brand spankin' new laptop, and I'm experimenting with using all open-source applications to do all of my work. What this means is that I'm not able just yet to prepare the posters that are, I think, are an important part of doing a great review.

I'll be back tomorrow. Y'all have an awesome day.
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Pan's Labyrinth

January 28th 2009 18:28
Pan's Labyrinth
Pan's Labyrinth, 2006

In keeping with the spirit of "Gut-Punch Wednesday", here's a film that only gets two reactions: adoration or revulsion. There really is no in-between. It is an emotionally charged movie with emotionally charged results, and it is virtually impossible to be ambivalent about it, even if you don't understand it.

[ Click here to read more ]
55
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Boys on the Side

January 27th 2009 15:06
Boys on the Side
Boys on the Side, 1995

The husbster has been dragged to a lot of chick flicks, but not by me. Normally, that sappy sweet crap just makes my brain hurt, and don't even get me started on the mind-numbing murder-inducing "sub-genre" of comedy of errors. I'd have more fun removing strips of skin with a lemon peeler than watching most chick flicks.

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Valerie on the Stairs

January 26th 2009 19:00
Valerie on the Stairs
Valerie on the Stairs, 2005

Monday is kinda shaping up to be our horror day, which I think is pretty appropriate when you get down to it. Monday is the day when we get back to our jobs, our lives, and we have to turn our brains back on and deal with the standard non-fun parts of life. In a lot of ways, that's what the horror genre is about: getting past the auto-pilot mode of life and dealing with the grittiness of real life.

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Sunday Classics: Blade Runner

January 25th 2009 20:06
Bladerunner
Bladerunner, 1982

In the world of literature, science fiction is not a genre so much as a setting. The story itself should be able to stand up in any setting, be it 19th century Victorian era or modern 21st century fashion. Science fiction, as a genre, offers us the chance of viewing the universal conflicts of the human condition in a setting that amplifies particular topics that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.

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Saturday Boners: Deathproof

January 24th 2009 17:02
Deathproof
Deathproof, 2007

Oh, god, where do I start...?

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Beowulf

January 23rd 2009 17:55
Beowulf
Beowulf, 2007

If you read yesterday's post, you might've gotten the impression that I'm a Neil Gaiman fan, and you'd be right. I think there is only one book he's attached to that I haven't read. When I heard that Gaiman and Roger Avary had put together this little screenplay from some obscure and forgotten story, I was totally stoked. When I found out it was Beowulf... well, the Gaiman name encouraged me to watch it anyway.

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Stardust

January 22nd 2009 19:38
Stardust
Stardust, 2007

As a Neil Gaiman fan, I am generally cautiously optimistic about movies adapted from his books. I enjoyed Stardust the book immensely and even had a signed copy at one point (until it grew legs and walked off some years ago). But I've also see the train-wreck of alleged Clive Barker films, and though we can forgive the BBC for Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere (a great story overcomes dodgy production value), seeing such a beautiful novella molded to cinema was... well, let's just say I watched it alone the first time, just in case it was a disaster. I don't like people seeing me cry like that.

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Children of Men

January 21st 2009 16:45
Children of Men
Children of Men, 2006

I was saving this one for a rainy day. I've seen in a few times, and I'll see it a few times more, but it's definitely not a light-hearted happy-go-lucky movie: this is a movie you want to see to be confronted with the seedy ugliness of the human race and still end with a ray of hope.

[ Click here to read more ]
77
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Man of the Year

January 20th 2009 19:23
Man of the Year
Man of the Year, 2006

When it comes to stand-up, I am not a Robin Williams fan. I'd heard that this movie relied on some of his routines, so I was a little resistant to see it. Ultimately, I'm really glad the hubster talked me into it.

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John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns

January 19th 2009 18:01
Cigarette Burns
John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns, 2005

I felt a little bad after my Saturday Boner review because I would hate for anyone to think that the entire Masters of Horror series was bad. In fact, there are many beautiful little horrific gems in this run, and today's movie was the inspiration for me to continue exploring the series, good or bad.

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Buckaroo Bonzai
Buckaroo Bonzai, 1984


What, you may ask, makes the Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension count as a classic? If you're asking this, you haven't seen it, which means that you must rush out right now now and rent/buy it immediately


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Saturday Boners: Dance of the Dead

January 17th 2009 18:58
Master of Horror Dance of the Dead
Dance of the Dead, 2005

To go with our developing "themed days", I decided to give you a little something crazy on Saturdays - total boners. Now, before you go thinking that I've taken to reviewing pr0n, don't get your panties in a twist: I've always thought of "boner" as being a ridiculously stupid mistake, often unintentionally funny.... and only much later was it that other thing.

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Eragon

January 16th 2009 19:46
Eragon
Eragon, 2006

This movie is proof that I love my kids, because I sat through it with them.

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An Inconvenient Truth

January 15th 2009 17:47
An Inconvenient Truth
An Inconvenient Truth, 2006

I voted for the guy. I admit now, with hindsight being 20/20 and all, that it was mostly to not have to vote for Bush. Gore would have made an okay president, but he's a much more effective human outside of the political arena. He's a great diplomat, mostly, and he is a compelling public speaker... but he's a terrible scientist.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Closet Land

January 14th 2009 18:12
Closet Land
Closet Land, 1991

This is possibly the greatest movie that you have never seen, and I'm a mean, mean lady for telling you about it because, unless you speak Spanish and/or have a Region 2 DVD player and/or have a VCR still, you're probably not going to see it.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Pleasantville

January 13th 2009 18:34
Pleasantville
Pleasantville, 1998

I think that the inspiration for this script was someone saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side" while watching Leave It to Beaver. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Behind the Mask
Behind the Mask: the Rise of Leslie Vernon, 2006

I am not a traditional "horror" or "slasher" film fan. I don't like having to suspend my sense of logic unless there's a really good reason for it. I generally do like scary movies, but they really have to work on more than the shock-art level. Behind the Mask: the Rise of Leslie Vernon dives into those waters with complete abandon and turns up brilliant pearls.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Sunday Precedent

January 11th 2009 20:40
Normally on Sundays, I'll be doing a "Classic" review - ideally, a movie from before 1975, give or take. Today, though, I'm taking a little time off to get some other work done.

Feel free to suggest some movies to review! Seriously. I love hearing from people


[ Click here to read more ]
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Saved!

January 10th 2009 21:21
Saved!
Saved!, 2004

Remember that annoying kid, Macaulay Culkin, from the Home Alone movies? It turns out that in Hollywood, people actually grow up! It's amazing! Of course, he still has to live down the curse of the Movie That Wouldn't Die, but this is definitely a step in the right direction.

[ Click here to read more ]
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The Man From Earth

January 9th 2009 16:08
The Man From Earth
The Man From Earth, 2007

Some people know Jeromy Bixby as one of the writers of the original Star Trek television series. He also worked on the Fantastic Voyage series and he gave us It! The Terror From Outer Space. Most people know absolutely nothing about him whatsoever, though, and that may even be better: if you don't know about "the Vampire Beyond Space", you'll have no expectations when you sit down to watch the Man From Earth.

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Justice League: the New Frontier

January 8th 2009 19:41
Justice League: New Frontier
Justice League: the New Frontier, 2008

Let me get these things out of the way first: Yes, it's a cartoon. Yes, it was a DVD-only release. No, it is NOT a kid movie. Yes, it's worth it to keep reading and definitely to see it, especially if you have even one atom of geekiness anywhere in your body.

[ Click here to read more ]
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The Fountain

January 7th 2009 19:01
The Fountain
The Fountain, 2006

If I used the words "visually stunning" or "soul-stirring", that would be trite and cliche. Really. It would. It says so right here in my "Ritin' Guude Fer Dummeez" book. Far be it for me to question such authority, so I'll have to come up with something different.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Gattaca

January 6th 2009 19:04
Gattaca
Gattaca, 1997

For quite a few months, I'd been trying to get my mother to sit down and watch this movie with me. It has always been in my Top 5 for a variety of reasons, and while she and I have generally had a good overlap of interest in movies, she stalwartly refused to watch it.

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